So my therapist thinks that the reason I give myself constant external stimulation (comic books, keeping netflix running all the time while using damn near every byte of processing power my phone has) is so that I am occupied enough to not have to feel anything coming from myself. I sadly have to agree. So she had me trying to just sit quietly for 3 minutes at a time. I did it once and lied to her saying I did it a few times and I’m getting used to it. She then suggested focusing on how I feel and not just goals, desires, or anything in the past or present. So after a 30 minute drive tonight, I tried it. At first, I felt nothing, then fear that I’m getting worse and worse about how I can’t NOT look at myself in objective clinical means. Then fear over the fact that I started making up feelings, then fear that I’m becoming TOO good at lying to myself and others reflexively to the point that I can’t discern the truth clearly anymore. Then sadness over the fact that I don’t feel bad for abandoning good relationships with people I loved and who loved me back but afraid they’ll stop liking me, fear that therapy won’t help, then fear of what I’d be like if I truly stopped having feelings altogether. The rest were a cascade if anxiety, anger, sadness, and so on aimed at my other personal failings to accomplish things I could easily do. But not one positive one. Then the greatest sadness over the fact that the only reason I seem to be doing well in this new city and semi new life is that I don’t have feelings anymore. Then fear that that’s the only way to get by. Not sure where this supposed to go. But this took place in about 2 minutes because I couldn’t finish the full 3. Not sure I want to keep doing these exercises but afraid of not keeping them up.